and i fade away...

    School has felt so lame and unnecessary to me this week. Not because of the snow delays or whatever, just because I have no energy to be there, to pay attention and whatever. I feel like everything is changing and I just want to go to college. I don't want busy work, I don't want fuckin' math problems that I don't care about or nor do I want to read epics because I just don't care. I want to study what I want to study and that's that.
    So today after school, I got my nails done. Partially because I want my toes to look nice while I'm in Florida with my dad, but mostly because acrylics make me feel pretty :) French manicures in general, but acrylics make me feel all fancy and dressed up, even when I'm just in sweats. It's nice. But quite expensive... My mom didn't like that so much. I used my lunch money and allowance to pay for them.. Muahahaha. I guess the fact that I'm going on vacation makes me want to make it FEEL like a vacation. I don't know if that makes sense... It does to me somehow.

    Today was completely worthless for me. I didn't get anything done and I've felt severely lethargic. My mom tried to talk to me, but to no avail.. I just kind of grunted replies and shrugged off everything she said to me. She's all pissed because I'm still upset that she's decided to move. Of course my feeling on the matter don't count because it's what SHE wants to do and what SHE thinks best. She even approached me because she thought I was sad because I wouldn't have a room next year. She went into detail about how the spare room she would have would be considered mostly mine since I'm the "baby" or whatever. I don't understand that woman.
    Tomorrow finals begin, and I am way under-prepared. I haven't studied at all, I haven't finished taking notes for most of my classes or finished reading for Boaz... I just don't care anymore. I really don't care about school at all at this point, I feel like just leaving and going straight to college. High school is just a joke to me, and that mentality is not working out for me so well. It's just so frustrating! I WANT TO GRADUATE. It really is ironic how when we are young, we want to grow up and visa-versa. Oh well, it'll all come soon enough and by then, I'll just want it all to slow down...

    RIP Heath Ledger BTW. It's so sad that he passed away...

    It's been even more hectic around here, more than I thought! I went to SPU on Thursday and Friday for a preview and as soon as I got home, my mother informed me that we will be selling the condo I live in now to move to another one.... WHY? you ask.. Because she isn't satisfied with the kitchen, doesn't like the noise that is made upstairs, and wants to  "downgrade". I think we have a GREAT location - downtown Issaquah at our fingertips etc. etc. But it's not enough! She gets upset when I say something about how I love our condo now and don't see a need, or when I tell her that I don't feel I can be a part of her decision because it's just that - her decision. Oh well, she can do bloody well what she wants, I'll be off to college next year and happy as can be.
    I'm SO excited for school - even more than before because of the preview. I LOVE the dorms, the people are amazing, professors are awesome anndd I LOVE THE CAMPUS. Friggin' everything about it ROCKS my SOCKS. Come visit? [Can you tell that I'm trying to be positive??] Hmm.. It's dinner time, I shall eat my worries away!

It has been awhile since I've written in this thing.. I've been meaning to, but I keep putting it off. So many things that I could talk about, but I frankly do not care to type all out..

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that I am excited to move out and go to college next year. Excited to live on my own, excited to get away from stresses at home, and away from Issaquah [for awhile]. I don't mind living at home, but [I feel like I'm crossing my mom here] I feel like I need time away from her. I love her to death, but I hate getting caught up in matters of my father or whatever. We fight sometimes, and it gets really intense. Then she thinks she can just smile and make it all better.. it just doesn't work that way. I think it gets to me more that I let on, and when I tell her, she doesn't understand. My parents may tell me that they don't 'compete' to get me to love them better, but they definitely do. I really hate getting caught in the middle.

The only thing that ever seems to be going right in my life is Matthew. [And the fact that I'm going to SPU :D] But no, seriously, he pulls me all back together. Whenever I'm down, being crazy or needing attention [;)] he'll call me suspiciously at the right moment. Or I'll call him and he's always there, willing to listen to my rants and give me the love that I need.. etc. I am so grateful for him, I really don't think he knows how much. But, Matthew [I know you are reading this] you are my world and I am so thankful that you are in my life. So... Thank you darling. You light up my life!

Gosh, I feel like my life is so boring. I think that is why I am eager to go off to college. I have the same routine, every day.. every week is the same at my house. It's quite boring, and sometimes even infuriating. Every day after school, I come home, watch TV, do my math.. then my mom comes home and we sit in front of the TV and eat dinner for the rest of the night [its in front of the TV where I get the rest of my work done. And weekends we watch TV all day and eat throughout and I do my HW when I feel like it. SO drab. I need more adventure. Matthew needs to come home and entertain me :)

GAAHHH. Matty.. I love you.
I'm out.

Kind Of.

I am just plain sick of people complaining about drama, then creating it. It's absolutely ridiculous. If you want to let it go, and for all the anger to end.. then just let it go! Let everything be! It's THAT SIMPLE!

I don't really want to go on with that because I know if I do.. somehow drama will be created from it. Figures huh?

Well, please take that to heart and understand where I'm coming from.

"The only people who you need in your life are those who need you in theirs..."

Funny, I though she needed me in hers, I guess not. Does that mean I don't need her in mine? No... But is it bad that I still consider her my friend even though we barely ever talk and I've heard rumors that she's been talking smack... You can't believe everything you hear...

This is a situation I guess I expected to happen, but not this soon, and not in the way that it is. I expected it to be way in the future and because of way different circumstances. And not as painful...

I'm so lost on everything that's going on in my life. Nothing seems as ideal as it did before the divorce... And even then I know it wasn't ideal... Where does that leave me now? With suffering grades and losing the people closest to me... Not knowing what I'm going to do after high school -hopefully college of course- but besides that... College where? SPU, too expensive. The price may not be right, but it could be paid for, but how about my academics, would they be attractive to SPU? If not SPU... Where? PLU? WSU? the U of Idaho? HAWAII STATE?! Those are probably the ones I could get into... But STILL not my first choice...

Help would be nice... Academic, Mental, Social, Emotional... Physical? All that I could get would be AMAZING. Too bad it probably wouldn't make a difference...

Everything has changed, I can feel it. I don't know how to describe it, I guess I just KNOW that it's there... Things with my friends are different. Things with my roommate/best friend have shifted. My dad and I have a strained relationship. My mom and I are still close, but she is hurting. Me and the BF are fine, but on a whole new level of relationship-ness. And I don't know when I belong in this mess anymore...

I know I fit in somehow, somewhere, but that location is getting harder to pinpoint. I don't feel any different, but I can feel the difference in the way people close to me treat me, talk to me... and be around me. It's rather annoying. I wish I could just rewind to where my little group of friends trusted each other, not talk behind backs and exclude one another. Or alienate one or two of us because we may think differently about each others actions. Something doesn't feel right...

Why I can't put my finger on it, I will never know. But I DO know that it is getting harder and harder to survive in our little high school universe day by day...

It has been a long long time since I have written... Phew. Matthew has come and he left today [here come the tears..] FUCK do I miss him when he leaves...

I guess I don't know what to say here, other than, Thank you Matthew. Thank you...

    And six months later, I'm still crazy about him. Yes. Six. Months. Impressive? I guess, but I intend for Matt's and my relationship to dwarf that significantly. Honest. My mom keeps saying "You're too young to know love; to say it or to know what it means." Do I believe her? Well... Yes, I am young... But I know who I am, I know how I feel, and I know that I've never felt this before. I am confident in how Matt and I feel about each other, and about the promises we've made to each other. The plans. The secrets. The moments we've shared... They're all true, they're all real. It's what Matt and I have made, together. And that's just how we plan to keep it.
    How do I feel about this? Well, for starters I'm infatuated with him. In a non-creepy-stalkerish way, promise. ;) And I'm crazy in love, crazy for him, and crazy about everything he is. I love the way he makes me feel, how he cares about me, and how he is completely honest with me. We're honest with each other, and we trust each other... First time I've ever had that in a relationship... I COULD keep going, but why bore you? HE knows how I feel... And that's all that matters to me.

OK?

Oh and, don't get me started on how he makes me feel  feel. You catch me? ;D

Hehe, I love you Matthew.

--inizio--

You make my heart beat
And my body sweat in the heat
And I forget how to move

When you kiss me in the dark
Cupids' arrow hits his mark
And I just can't let you go

You hold me so tight
And when I try as I might
By the tears keep on coming

Being here, alone, without you
Reminds me of being blue
And how I've never been so happy

Oh Matthew, how I love you so much
I can't survive without your touch
And I know this will go on forever

--fin--

This morning is one of those mornings where I feel like crawling back under the covers and drifting back into sleep. Seeing my friends doesn't sound so amazing right now... Smiling and laughing makes me want to cry... What is my problem? Everything is perfect in my life. I have everything a girl could want. Why do I feel so down?

Maybe because the one person who she cares about is so far away.

I miss him so much that sometimes I feel like running away and letting him hold me in his arms... And make everything okay again. I miss him. I don't really have any other ways to describe it... But it hurts, and I can feel the hole inside me deepen every time I see something that reminds me of him. It hurts so bad that I can't help but cry.

Leave me alone, let me love him.

Why is everything I do,
Completely wrapped in you?
Everything I do, see or say,
Brings you into my day?

I really don't mind, I swear, it just makes things so much harder here. I miss the way you laugh, smile, talk and sigh... I miss everything about you. It all feels like a dream... WHY?! I don't like the feeling that ... maybe this all isn't true. Is this really happening? Did I really fall in love with you? With someone so amazing and with someone who really cares? Have we really been together nearly 5 MONTHS NOW?! Do you really treat me like a princess and fill me with warmth and joy? As surreal and crazy this all seems... It's really happening to us. We're really together. We're actually doing this.

And I'm in love with the most amazing [funniest, hottest ;), most loving] guy I have ever met in my life.

Pssh Yeah, all SIXTEEN YEARS!
OH shut up already Conscience, He is who I want, who I want to be with... and who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Really?

Yeah I said it.

I love Matthew Kaz Schneider.

End. Of. Story.

    The beginning of my day, well... I'd just rather not talk about it. It was lame and boring and slightly depressing. Why? Well, the shitty rain for one, and two... Is just not having my Matthew here a good enough excuse? I think so! I don't know, today was just nothing special. A regular dumb, uneventful and unexciting Friday, lame, right? And to top it off, I worked a measly 3 hours today! 7 total this week... Ew, Safeway is ripping me off!
    After I was home and moping around for a few hours, Matthew called! Twice!! hehe. Well the first time he just ran out of minutes, then he called back 5 minutes later. He makes me so goddamn happy. And he knows it...

    Now that I know what I have is so rare and wonderful, I can't let it go. I need you in my life Babybear, forever and for always. Okay?

The Past. The Present. And the Future.

With you?.

Baby, I love you. I love that you can read my memos of you and random thoughts about all the feelings you make me feel now. I miss being able to write something and know that you'll be reading it right away. I love every word you write/say to me... I cherish each one. Oh Matthew, you are my all and I'm so lost without you. I keep praying and praying that God will bring you back to me sooner... He hasn't yet *weak smile* but I know that someday I'll be deep in your arms and warm with your love surrounding me.

I am so in love with you,
You make my head spin.
You make me so thankful for everything I have
And so aware of how beautiful the world is,

But only when you are here.

    A new year, crazy! I can't believe it's 2007... that's so strange. It even more strange to think that I'm going on my 17th year of life... so many things have changed, but this is the first year that I have been excited to begin. My family is chaotic but definitely more happy than before, I have friends that are crazy and fun and take care of me, and I am in a relationship that I can depend on with the most amazing boy ever. I have never felt so blessed in my short 16 years... but I know now that I am the luckiest girl in the world, and nothing can change that.
    Why have I been so incredibly blessed? Why all this beauty in my life? Did Matthew open my eyes to things I never saw before? Without him, what would my life be like now? What will the rest of my life be like if we stay together? What if we don't make it? We will make it, won't we?

    What is it?

    I have so many questions, but I honestly don't think anyone can answer them for me... My journey, my trials and errors, and most of all, my discoveries. But I do know that I don't want to go through this world without him, he makes everything seem so... perfect? That's such a risky word to use, but that's how he makes me feel.

    Oh God, thank you for your sweet love and passionate care. I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't brought Matthew into my life...

SO I'm excited because [even though her flight was changed] Chelly comes in tomorrow morning! [at 5:15 mind you]

BUT I CAN'T WAIT!

Okay, must catch some sleep...

So. I'm going even MORE nuts. I SWEAR, it's not just that I miss my boyfriend so much that I can't sleep at night, or that it hurts so much that I can't even cry anymore because I feel so pitiful, or even that I'm starting to forget the sound of his voice or the smell of his skin AND I feel like I'm losing him.

But I'm not.

Then why do I feel like this? I need him here. Right now. I know I can't have his with me at every second, especially since he's away at the Navy, learning how to build his life... I dunno. I need some interaction with him. I will soon, and I know this... I just need to make it until he graduates... then he gets more calls and the internet. Then I get to talk to him more regularly. Then I get to hear his voice... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS. I know I still love him, everything about him, and want to be with him forever [i know, scary that I'm thinking of this already] but maybe it's the sureness of it. I am with Matthew. We are together, in it for the long haul and ready to make it through the hard times... am I just scared? Am I scared to talk to him again... as if we're starting all over again? I feel like I'm falling in love all over again, but this time I'm afraid of it. All I know is that I CAN'T lose him, but I also don't want to be afraid anymore.

I LOVE YOU MATTHEW... PLEASE WORK YOUR ASS OFF AND COME HOME TO PITIFUL OL' ME.

kthanks

I feel better now.
/sighs.

Damn, I still have that song stuck in my head! ["Bent" by Matt Nathanson]. It's a good one...

Good news! I got two.. count them, yes TWO letters from Matthew today, I love how he writes to me... *sighs* WELL anyways, wanted to update you all... HE GETS MYSPACE IN TWO WEEKS! That's effing RIGHT. I'm so excited [you should be too, I'll bitch less about how I don't get to talk to him]. And I'm euphoric I guess [yess big words] about our relationship, I honestly can say that I've never been this happy with anyone, or anything in my life. It's been so wonderful.

Thanks for listening to everything I say, oh loyal readers, you have been so patient :)

AND Chelly comes home in 8 days.
And break is in two days.
And the Firwood reunion is in three days.
I get my license in five days.
AND CHRISTMAS IS IN 11 DAYS!
And Matthew graduates bootcamp on the 29th.

Yes... I love December.

First and foremost, the lyrics in my title are from the song "Bent" by Matt Nathanson... I really like that song, and I didn't put those lyrics there because of something that happened with Matt and I... everythings fine, I just like the song. I wanted to make sure that's clear, because it is a good song, but it's about an ending relationship. Okay, I had to get that out :)

Today was really strange... long and annoying. It started out with a major annoyance, a disturbance in the plans of a few event happening over break... I will leave them out, I don't want to dwell. I have figured out how to make everything go smoothly and without drama. PHEW... let's just hope they run smoothly in the end!
Matthew called three times today, and I couldn't answer any of the times because I was in 5th period. I missed the first two because I didn't look at my phone... then I gave my phone to Britt so that she could tell him that I wasn't ignoring him... That drove me fuckin' NUTS. I could see her talking to him... and I couldn't... My God do I miss him. I have actually felt an emptiness in my gut, and to be honest, I haven't been able to sleep. I think it's because I was used to him being at my house... and laying in my bed with me. Keeping me warm... me stealing the covers from him... him holding me close... My bed seems small and it's a twin! I miss him, and I can't wait for him to be home.

I'll admit, I love him. I am in love with Matthew, and I don't ever want to fall out of it... His love is all I live for, and I long to make him happy... All I want is to be happy...

With him.